Past the bottom (en)

2025-08-13

The part of reality perceived by us as the environment defines our state, passing through the prism of internal perception, and is projected onto our value system. Like water passing through a filter, it gradually wears down, contaminates, and ultimately wears it out; the environment inconspicuously but inexorably “wears down” the prism of our worldview, distorting it, and strives to narrow it to a point. Therefore, at every stage, one has to do internal work, if not to move forward, then at least to catch up on what was missed, to “patch up” worn-out concepts and mental constructs.

This process manifests itself in different ways. For example, what I encounter and want to talk about today is the inconspicuous, quiet substitution of “want” for “must.” How a child’s curiosity turns into a stale world. How only ashes remain from the fire in the eyes. How the will to live is replaced by adaptation to conditions. I will speak from my own experience, for lack of a better one. The experience of an axial ascent along the spiral from inactivity to activity. Being immersed in a turbulent stream of fussy affairs and worldly obligations, I, as a rule, spend free time on rest expressed in escapism of varying degrees of destructiveness. I see no point in describing the details; I suppose everyone knows how their own escape from reality manifests itself. While the “storm” of fuss does not subside, one can only try to “stay afloat,” gnawing at oneself with quiet existential soul-searching and doubts about the chosen path. But any storm ends, and one can, as they say, “exhale.” Escapism, previously forced to hide in the corners and cracks of a busy schedule, can now sprawl out languidly for many hours and days. If one managed to lock the voice of ambition in a soundproofed room, this time passes quite unnoticed and painlessly.

But with each passing day, the sofa seems less and less comfortable, one has to toss and turn more often, the temperature is either too hot or too cold, the body no longer relaxes in relaxation but aches and tingles from lack of movement, dry eyes at three in the morning become nauseating. So gradually, food delivery is replaced by trips to the store, during which the thought of going to the sports ground first only flickers, and then becomes obsessively enticing. In a person who is in a state of a “driven mare,” from which all juices have been squeezed out, the will to life begins to reawaken. Warm-up at the sports ground is replaced by full-fledged workouts, which entail improved nutrition and sleep schedule. Scrolling through social networks does not interfere with ambitions, is not expelled from life by a volitional decision, but simply becomes boring. It is replaced by reading books. It fills one with new thoughts and ideas that spill out into deep dialogue, a reflective note, or a published essay. In short, a “push-off from the bottom” occurs.

All these processes happen absolutely naturally; there is no heroic act of will. Nature, albeit distorted but preserving a divine silhouette, awakens and breathes in a taste for life, calls to contemplate and create. Being begins to circulate organically through the mind, heart, and spirit. This flow of life washes away the dirt accumulated in the soul and fills it with the joy of co-being. The desire to live as such is expressed in a creative act. Adaptation to reality is replaced by its formation.

In this life impulse, new projects begin, new horizons open up, new obligations are taken on, which over time again become overwhelming. Again, what began as a pure irrational desire, the creation of what is “wanted,” is replaced by the drudgery of what is “necessary.” Again, the softly and suffocatingly enveloping “must” drains energy and strength. Thus begins a new turn from “must” to “want,” from activity to inactivity.