If your friend is a woman (en)

2025-07-21

psychology

There are relationships between people, and they are universal, the same for both men and women. That is, the relationship between a student and a teacher is a relationship, the relationship between husband and wife is a relationship, the relationship between brother and sister is a relationship, the relationship between male fishermen buddies is a relationship, and any relationship between a man and a woman is also always a relationship.

The most crucial property of a relationship is development; relationships either develop or stagnate at a certain stage. The ultimate goal of any relationship is building love. But not all relationships must strive toward a specific goal, nor must all relationships develop at all—this is absolutely normal.

For example, relationships with colleagues at work are a fairly superficial level, which in most cases remains at the status of “acquaintances.” But every person should have a small number of truly deep relationships in their life, which strive in their development toward eternity. The ultimate goal of such relationships, as already stated, is true, full-fledged love.

However, the development of love between a man and a woman looks different. Same-sex relationships, firstly, have a limit in the degree of closeness because the participants are of the same sex, and consequently, they will occupy identical basic roles. At a sufficiently deep level of closeness, this naturally leads to conflicts or to the suppression (possibly quite conscious and acceptable) of the nature of one of the partners. Relationships between a man and a woman, however, have access to the maximum depth of closeness.

Secondly, in same-sex relationships, due to the limitations stated above, developing love does not require: A – exclusivity, B – physicality. This means that I, as a man, can develop and deepen love in friendship without physical contact and without harm to other relationships. The same applies to female friendship. But the same cannot be said about relationships between a man and a woman. In them, love without sexuality, without intimacy, and without exclusivity is not full-fledged. But also without genuine friendship, without respect and care, without personal freedom—love between a man and a woman will not be full-fledged either.

Let’s try to draw a conditional boundary: unlike friendship, love between a man and a woman involves a feeling of unity and kinship not only on psychological and spiritual levels but also on the physical, bodily level. There is mutual attraction, a mutual “growing into” each other’s lives, feelings, thoughts, future plans, and memories of the past, creating a sense of Co-Being of such scale and depth that friendly relationships cannot compare. We can add to this joint household management (the home as a reflection of love), mutual responsibility of a different quality than in friendship. Also, love between a man and a woman presupposes: inclusion in each other’s family systems, respect for family and traditions, sexual relations as the fulfillment of love, and having children as the continuation of love into the next generation. And all of this, of course, pertains to love that includes friendship but is more than it.

Thus, the relationship between a man and a woman is the union that can go the furthest in the degree of love, acceptance, and closeness, combining the Greek concepts of ἔρως (eros), φιλία (philia), and ἀγάπη (agape). But such a union must begin with friendship and is not obligated to go beyond it. However, in such a friendship, it is necessary to set boundaries and be prepared for the fact that these relationships will find it difficult to develop fully.

Let’s provide examples of some difficulties and dangers that one may encounter in such relationships. For instance, a person cannot always correctly identify their own motives or notice changes in their own motivation. For some, friendship can become a screen behind which it is easy to hide, even from oneself, the genuine desire to emotionally bind the other person, make them dependent, and, by manipulating friendly feelings, achieve intimate closeness. So, the first danger is that we may not understand our own motives very accurately. We may think we are friends, while subtly, unnoticed by us, different feelings—romantic, sexual—may arise. The line can be very thin. There is another danger. It’s clear that friendship is a close, intimate relationship that can develop into romantic feelings. It’s wonderful if friendship grows into infatuation, then love, and marriage. But if this marriage is impossible for any reason, then this friendship can become a source of deep emotional suffering. Unfortunately, this very often happens.

If your friend suddenly turns out
Neither friend nor foe, just — so;
If you cannot figure out,
Whether he’s good or bad, —
Pull the guy up the mountain — take the risk!
Don’t leave him there alone:
Let him be roped to you as one —
There you’ll learn who he is.

If the guy in the mountains ain’t much,
If he suddenly buckles and quits,
Steps on the glacier — and slumps,
Makes a misstep — and yells, —
Then he’s a stranger by your side,
Don’t you scold him — drive him away.
They don’t take such men up high,
And they don’t sing songs of such guys.

But if he didn’t whine, didn’t moan;
Though sullen and angry, he strode,
And when you fell from the cliff’s height,
He groaned, but he held the line;
If he marched with you as to war,
Stood drunk with joy on the peak, —
Then on him you may rely
As you would upon yourself!

Vladimir Vysotsky,  Soviet singer-songwriter, poet, and actor.

“Song about a friend”.